coffee as epitomizer
so i shouldn’t be writing write now
i should be getting ready to go
cuz i’m gettting picked up from work soon
and i’m not ready
but i’ve been putting off this entry
cuz i have to drink coffee
to get through the day
there was some month or so long stint where/when i drank lots of water with emergen-C instead but it was still hard to stay awake and it was a low pressure time
in december i said i’d stop after my classes ended
but here i am
hectic schedule
needing to drink it to make it through the day
today i made it till 4:30
long,
but the hours, moment, before i drink it are a struggle
and the hours moments after
and it’s only tasty for the first 15 sips
and it only lifts me up for an hour
then i crash
CRASH
lower than i already was
like that coke episode of Fame (TV)
which make s the large r
point
coffee is a drug, and it represents my attraction not to (all) drugs necessarily, as in i am attracted to some “drugs” (apparently i’m too ___________ not to put drugs in quotes)
but too a compulsivenss of addiction. and when i exercise
with other people
or alone
or spend time with other people
who are healthy
and we’re not drinking
or eating poorly
or staying up too late
this compulsiveness of addiction–i wrote “attraction” instead of “addiction” earlier (where’s my id? anyone seen my id?)–mas o menos evaporates
it’s gone
i can see the day
when i get tired i go to sleep
but i don’t need lots of sleep
alcohol, tv, internet, coffee, video games, a packed schedule, being social, staying up late–all these are just some of the examples of things i do that can be “good” in measured quantities, but i don’t take a measured approach
usually
but i’m still having a hard time with stark
i see everything in black and white
not gray
and when i’m at my best,
contrast is relative (gray)
not absolute (black and white)
but it seems that if i’m in black and white most of the time (p)
and i don’t like that about myself (q)
then i don’t like myself most of the time (q then p)
which isn’t really true
but a lot of the time–but, but–i’m too hard on myself (aren’t we all)
and i just have such a hard time picking the “healthy” over the “hedonistic”
they’re probably not directly opposed tho are they?
anyone a Brain surgeon? 
