e moat
i’m angry. sometimes my boss is patient. often now. i dread telling him things that will frustrate him, of which there are many. sometimes i have to go into the bathroom, chest shallowly heaving, after he’s said something to piss me off, so that i don’t yell at him. i still am unsure how i never blow up at him. maybe too much practice.
i have issues with my anger, that is a lack of clarity about how (if) to express it. my mom used to say "kick the filing cabinet" but that was before i played soccer and now i’m concerned that either the cabinet or my food would break. i dream about ways i might get hurt so that i didn’t have to come to work. and my job is pretty good.
i think i have issues with authority but it seems so many people do. yet, i know people who vent really well or scream or cry or yell, but no matter what they do they have figure out how to let out (and let go?) their anger. process it. this i do not do and it festers and gives me headaches and keeps me holding my breath, tensing my neck.
these days, i’m realizing it doesn’t take much to make me angry, but i squash it fairly well. winter squash. bh90210 squash. yet, it keeps me from being happy/fun in other venues cuz i’m tired from swallowing my anger. and anger comes along with a bunch of other faux pas emotions (sadness, shame, insecurity, pain, loss). or supposed faux paws. i learned somewhere along the line, as most adults do, that our emotions don’t have a place in the extremities. i learned that so deeply that i am quick to negatively judge anyone who seems negatively "emotional" if they’re in my space. why are they so angry? Or rather, why do they think they can be so angry? who said they’re allowed?
maybe i should take up boxing? (giggle). sometimes i think it’s chemical, but i tend to be attractive to "passionate" people who make me scared and holding my breath because they really feel their emotions allowed. this is a quasi-recent trend. maybe i’m living my emotions through them since i won’t exert them.
i think someday it will come spilling, or roaring. i’m afraid of that because although i know it wouldn’t be interpersonally physical, i grew up watching screaming matches. as a man i don’t want to show my anger because so many men have shown it so inappropriately. not a club i want to be a part of.
this summer for a few weeks i was "taking life less seriously" but somehow that philosophy mostly faded. sometimes i can reclaim it again but when i’m de-seriousizing, a la Breakfast on Pluto but less traumatic, i lose a sense of self i’ve clinged to. i am no longer responsible/reliable/supportive brian. there isn’t space for that. at least not yet.
all this leads to aspiring but somehow "feeling my anger" hasn’t made it to my to-do list. maybe that added responsibility would make me too mad.
